Sunday, August 28, 2005

Maintenance

This weekend was like every other weekend although it will most likely stand out above the rest.

On Friday night I went through a difficult situation. Without going into details, it involved a guy that I have been interested in and it totally took a nose dive into the 'friendship' category. This seems to happen to me a lot lately.

So yesterday I woke up and was completely bummed out from Friday nights Malay. I was very emotional and had a case of the 'why me?' I threw myself the ultimate pity party and conjured up thoughts of me at 80 years old still looking for my guy.

I was able to snap out of it and pull myself together. "don't be such a pussy, Jeff!!"

Seriously, there is no reason for me to be so upset. So ok, I caught the wrong vibe. Big deal. I ended up talking to this guy after the fact and realized that I was on a whole other playing field and that I missed some clues that friendship was all he wanted. Most likely because I wanted something so bad that I failed to pay any attention.

I have to take some responsibility. I am totally rushing into trying to find a LTR. It's as if I am forcing the issue. It's not gonna happen this way. It'll happen when I least expect it. People always say that but it is true.

What started out as a miserable 'call me the wham-bulence kind of a day' turned out to be a very eye opening day. I realize what I am doing wrong and I can work on this and prevent and alleviate future stress.

This is great! So I had a great night last night with friends and today was nice too.

All in all it was a great weekend. Ask me yesterday morning and I would have said "Hell no!" but now it's all coming together.

Shit I am only twenty mother fuckin six... I need to give myself a break and relax.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Giving Thanks


Thanksgiving is a couple few months away but I am feeling very thankful for all the good in my life.

I am surrounded by good people.
I have people here in Phoenix and in Seattle that love me.
I have a good job... even though I am constantly bitching about it :)
I have great family- the best. They are supportive and thoughtful, caring and geniune.

My life seems crazy at times. I am always on the go. I am flying but am grounded. My friends and family help to keep my feet on this ground.

Two years ago I was a different person. I was hiding from who I really am. Hiding from my family, my friends and my most importantly myself.

I took a gamble, a huge risk. Not knowing the outcome. Moving to Phoenix - the best decision I ever could have made. This was an outlet fo me to find myself. I came out to my family, to my friends, and to myself.

Phew... what a releif.

I am most thankful for the continued love and support I receive from everyone around me. Not one person, not one, has had anything negative to say about my sexual orientation. Sure there are questions. My Father does not understand but he is trying and above all else the love between a Father and his Son is solid and unbreakable. I talk to him everday. I talk to my Mom everyday and my brother and I have never been so close.

It's tough being gay. At times it is exhausting. There are people in this world that want me dead. They look past who I really am and see a label... HOMOSEXUAL. Thankfully I have not felt this discrimination in my life as of yet. My life will be full of trials and tribulations. I am a minority. I am gay. Having good people around me yeilds me happiness. I look past all that and smile.

Thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks Billy. Thank you Heather, Katie, Will, Michelle, Laurel, Ben, Jeff, Anne, Cath, Kim, Christy, Greg, Jenny, Jen, Shamley, Matt, Matty, Spady, Alaina, Alecia, Megan, Aly, Jay, Bree, Brian, Chuck, Mary Jo, Steve, Dan, Kate, Kristin, Jan, Maria, Schmoody, Rona, Jimmy, Grandma, Mitzie, Gary, Ross, Renee, Tommy, Rich, Jaime, Sarah, Travis, Sharon, Colleen, Kellie, Amy, Allison and Margo to name a few.... and to everyone else that has touched my life in any way.

I miss you and love you all.

Jeff ;)

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Just a little off the top..... thanks

It was another hot and muggy day in the valley of the sun... I was driving home from the gym after torturing myself with an hour and a half of cardio.

On my home I looked in the rearview mirror and let out a scream.... "My hair!"
It was out of control. I needed desparately to do something about it and there was no time to waste. I dont know if going to get a hair cut when I am dripping with sweat i such a great idea, but it was just Great fuckin Clips, afterall. Boy was I in for a doozy.

I never look forward to getting my hair cut. I seem to always be in a very introverted and "I dont want to talk to you" mood whenever I feel the need for a little off the top.

I walk in and put my name down. The girl at the counter is very timid and I can barely make out her inaudible "can I get your phone number." Her hair was tragic. It was zebra striped black and tan and was frizzy as hell. Looking around I noticed that these hairdressers were most likely dipped... no wait... double dipped, into the ugly pond. What really gets me is that each of them had the most disgusting hair I have ever seen in my life.

For some reason I was not the only person interested in gettin me hair did that day. It was getting busy and I was starting to get annoyed. Everyone in there looked like they just got done with a shopping spree at a dollar store. I was growing tense and my attitude was quickly turning into "oh no you did not wear that."

So this lady, or for lack of better words, SEA DONKEY, calls my name.

She was a larger women, about the size of a Mack Truck. She had the most gratuitist mop of nasty on her head I have ever seen. It looked like a gray ball of old yarn.
Not only that but she was a talker. I was not havin it.

I tell her I wanted a 3 on the side and some length on top. The bitch gives me a ledge, A LEDGE! Ok at this point I told her to just 5 the top and blend it in. Blend, blend, blend... yeah thanks.

Coming from the gym my hair was a little tragic. I used hair glue and my hair was pretty sticky. Well this angered, yes angered, Sea Donkey Gray Yarn Mack Truck women. She said I make her job very difficult and asked me why I use such product.

"Because I like it bitch."

So she is trimming the burns and asks me what I did to my face... oh no she did not not...

I am testing out handlebars and I gotta say I think it's hot. Well she didnt think so. She made fun of me in front of everyone in the place. I mean I guess it didnt really matter having some bucktoothed mullet man laughing at you. You cant help but laugh right back.

Anyways I am gonna wrap this up... it was a hair raising experience but at least my hair looks somewhat decent. Next time I am doin it myself so I can bypass the circus at Great fuckin Clips.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

awww good! wait....dang!

Scottsdale is chock full of restaraunts... from fine dining to trendy sushi venues to your average run of the mill chain restaraunt.

Scottsdale happens to be a breeding ground for beautiful people, albiet pretentious, beautiful none the less.

On a recent visit to TGIFridays, I caught the eye of a cute waiter. I figured he had to be straight. He was masculine and had no signs of hopping the fence into homosexuality. I ordered my drink, a Belini w/ Chambourg, as usual along with some appetizers. The night went on and I couldnt take my eyes off him. Once I find out a guy is straight I back off immediatly, not only because he is completely unatainable, but out of respect.

Until I find out, they are either gay or straight... to bed.

A couple Belini's later (this drink is my ultimate fav... the drink of my 2005 year if you will) I gathered up as much confidence as possible and left him my number on the bill. I was completely clueless as to his sexual identity but I figured what the hell. I am a good looking guy and if anything he should be flattered.

The next day I get a phone call... it's him.

"No Shit!" I thought. We chatted for a couple minutes and lined up a casual get together on Saturday. It was refreshing to know that I could actually meet a guy outside of a gay bar. It was an epiphany and it gave me hope for my homosexual generation.

That night I went out to a freinds birthday party and was designated driver. We went to a country gay bar and this is the last place I want to be when I am sober. It was nice, however, to be on the otherside and watch other people make complete asses of themselves.

I went home about 11p and crawled into bed after setting my alarm to 6a and I immediatly crashed upon hitting the pillow.

At 3a I was awakened by Jessica Simpson's rendition of "These Boots are Made for Walking," my current ring tone. Who is calling me at this hour? Last time I checked I didnt have any current booty calls. It was the waiter. Three times he called and three times I hit ignore.

I met the guy once, if you call the exchanges between a waiter and his diners an actual introduction. We talked on the phone once. Then he calls me that late? What is his motive? Is he a whore like everyone else in the bar scene?

What started out as refreshing quickly turned sour.

This is not all bad. The fact that I mustered up enough courage to give a seemingly straight person my number has to account for something.

I am optimistic... this was like a lightning strike... it never strikes in the same place twice. I ll meet a guy who will want what I want. I may have to wait but in the end it will all fall into place and be toatlly worth it. Whether it be a waiter at Fridays, a bartender at Fox Sports Grill, a cashier at Safeway, a VW car salesman or a guy working at Fred Segal, it'll happen.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I never...

It was Sunday afternoon and I was huddled inside my air conditioned apartment in complete boredom staring at the clock waiting for it to strike 530p. That was when I planned on taking flight off the couch and go to a BBQ at my friends Maria and Brians new house in Central Phoenix.

530p rolled around and I stammered outside and into my car. The air was hot and debilitating. I immediately blasted the a/c and headed to the BBQ. I was meeting my friend Will and Thomas there and other than them I didnt know anyone except for the hosts of course.

When I arrived I immediatley felt at home. Not that I was surprised as Maria and Brian are good people and their friends are my friends.

The Sangria was flowing, and might I add, Will did an excellent job coming up with the concoction. It was a major hit and a great conversation piece. Needless to say we all got pretty tanked and we all decided to play a drinking game outside in the sweltering 112 degree heat... at 8p at night.

The game? My favorite pastime "KINGS." For those if you that do not know this game, it goes a little like this...

12 cards all meaning something, each associated with it's own rule...

2- drink 2
3- give 3
4 for whores, 6 for dicks, etc, etc..

The 8 card is 'I never...'

We all, about 10 of us, held up 3 fingers. The person who picked the 8 card asks 3 questions. These statements almost always deal with sex... or drugs, 99% of the time, unless you're playing with Mormons.

An example... "I have never had sex in a public park.."

If you have had sex in a public park down goes a finger... the person that loses all three fingers first drinks.

So we were gettin real happy and the booze was a flowin.

This guy pulls the 8 card... "I never..."

First statement:

"I have never kissed a member of the same sex." Dang! Finger down.... they dont know I am gay yet... they'll think I was just drunk.

2nd statement:

"___________________________"... I am not repeating.. not on my blog (inquire within haha)... nonetheless it was xxx rated. I looked at Will, looked at Thomas, Maria and Brian.... they all know I am gay... the other strangers at the table did not. Well I got the "come on Jeff! put down your finger!" glare from all 4 of them. Dang Tina! 2nd finger down.

3rd statement:

"_____________________________" This one is worse.. use your imagination... it was gay and XXX rated... and dammit!! Once again, finger down... I lose... I drink.

Ok at this point I stood up and officially came out to the table in a dramatic center of attention sort of way.

I am not ashamed of my sexuality and will not deny it if asked, but I certainly do not prance around in a rainbow skirt singing show tunes. What is the likelihood that some straight guy would ask those 3 questions in a row, to which he put his finger down on the first statement?!

I have never laughed so hard. It was pretty funny and everyone was really cool. We then played "I never..." all night and I seemed to come off as a bad boy, I had to drink on every statement.

It's one thing to tell people you meet... "yeah, by the way, I am gay."
It's a whole other show when you let people know in an "I never..." game... talk about a first impression, even for a straight person, oh my gad.

I have never been so comfortable with myself in such an uncomfortable situation, though.

Regardless of the momentary embarrassment it did get me attention.
I am an attention whore.
So it's all good :)

Friday, July 01, 2005

Life can be one big default...

"How's it going?"

"Great! How are you?"

"I am good thanks for asking."

This can be the biggest crock of shit....

I am at the grocery store and I pass someone I dont know in the aisle. I usually say "Hey, How's it going" or "What's up?" which is engrained in my head since I was a young Jeffie back in the day.

They always respond "Fine, thanks." Sometimes an "and you?" follows but it depends. At the checkout the same scenario repeats. "How's it going?" "Good and you?" "Great, thanks."

If they only knew that I was not okay and that I happen to be having the crappiest day ever, they probably wouldnt even ask. For one they dont know me from Adam and secondly they most likely dont care. Not to sound like an ass, take it as you will, but I really dont care how they are either. It is just the default conversation that it seems everybody abides by.

Would if we were completely honest... it would be complete and udder chaos...

"Hey how's it going?"

"Actually I am having the worst day ever..." and I start to cry.

The person that asked me the default "I really dont care just trying to be nice" ice-breaker starts to get nervous and taken aback. "I am sorry..." Note that they dont ask "Oh, why? Please devulge!!"

"My dog died today and my car broke down and my lover ran out on me and to add a cherry on the already rotten sundae.... I have crabs!"

Okay at this point it is an uncomfortable "why in holy hell did I ask this freak how he was doing?" The person replies... "Um, ok, I am really sorry."

At this point the other person, or victim in this case, sticks to the default.

I ask, "So how are you?"

"Fine."

Next time someone asks you "Hi, how are you?" whether it be a shoe salesman at Nordstrom, a checker at Safeway or a gas station attendant at Shell, dont hesitate to tell them the truth. It is actually very entertaining and it is always good to vent to a neutral party, cuz hell, you'll never see them again, right?

So I meant to ask... how the hell are ya buddy?

Any plans this weekend?

How many times do you hear that? I am guessing a lot. It seems that everyone I run into asks me that exact question.

It happens to be Friday, July 1st, the start of a long three day weekend. With July 4th on Monday there is obviously no shortage of vacations and getaways... just ask everyone I know.

I have no plans this weekend, none. I gotta say that I want it that way. I just moved so this is a great opportunity for me to get my new fabulous place together. Some much needed Jeffie time if you will. Days out by the pool by myself in the hopes of meeting new people.

Why does one have to leave town to enjoy a three day weekend? I am completely content doing nothing in my air conditioned apartment watching sappy movies. Granted it would be nice to have someone to watch these movies with, nevertheless I enjoy time on my own to reflect. To reflect on my past and dream of my future.

I am at that age where I live day to day very spontaneously. I actually hate plans. I would much rather live life on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. I leave the planning to my friends. If I make plans and they fall through I get bummed out so why put myself in that scenario?

This weekend is up in the air... I have no clue what I am doing but I guaren-fuckin-tee I ll have a good time regardless of what I do. For me, flying by the seat of my pants is the way to go. It's better than San Diego, it's better than camping in the mountains and better than a trip down to Mexico. Spontaneity is bliss... or is that ignorance? I forget.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

What? No celebrities?

Last weekend I was in LA visiting my beautiful and bodacious babes Miss Alecia and Miss Megan. I flew in on a Friday night and was immediately whisked away... after waiting an hour and a half for those biotches to pick me up... LOL.

Whisked away to where you ask? The horse races at Hollywood Park. I have never been to a horse race and I don't even know anything about horses. I think they are very pretty but that is about it. I had a scare in the deserts of Arizona once when I was a young chap when I was lost and ran into a motorcyclist on a trail... Needless to say I almost shat my pants at the tender age of twelve as the horse starting bucking wildly. Anyways so we go to the races and have a kick ass time.

Whenever I go to LA I wonder if I will see famous people. I always feel like the chances are good and that I will atleast see a B-lister.

Well that night we managed to catch an after race concert by the classic Taylor Dayne and let me tell you I was in awe and star struck... hehe. It was fun nonetheless. We all danced and partied off our many dollar beers consumed during the races. Megan and Alecia were doing the Romi and Michelle's high school reunion sketch and were dancing around like fairies in a field. It was pretty hot and with the large crowd of barely 100 people, they stood out and even got a hoo-raw from Taylor herself. At this point I was pretty dang tipsy in my cowboy hat and tight Diesel jeans and was imagining Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino in the shoes of Megan and Alicia. This was strictly to fill my celebrity sighting expectations.

The next day we woke up, albeit groggy, to a beautiful LA morning and headed to Urth Cafe for breakfast. Surely this is a place for celebrities, a celebrity hot spot if you will. Amongst the dozen or so no-namer's we managed to spot the kid, now adult, who played The young Tom Hanks in the movie Big. We then went to a gas station off of Santa Monica and ran into the President of Rockstar energy drinks.

The rest of the day we shopped up and down Melrose and Robertson where I managed to spend $800 on a pair of Seven jeans, 2 Energie shirts, some $100 shirt at Kitson, some sandals and a Smith's NY hat. Can you say buyer's remorse?? Atleast they are hot and I love them and that is all that matters.

Later that night we went to The Abbey on Santa Monica and Robertson and tried to blend in amongst the humm of the LA vibe. I was the only person in the place, let alone in LA, wearing a cowboy hat. It was hot and I was told I look like a splitting image of Tim McGraw with that ensemble.

I was waiting in line for the men's room and I was approached and asked if I was "in that movie"... "Yeah I know you... You're in that movie..." Before I knew it a bunch of people were in agreement.

Here I am looking for celebrities and all I find are people that think that I am one. This whole time all I needed to do was look in the mirror... I didn't even have to go to LA afterall to find the stars!! That is a great note to self... Wear the cowboy hat with some tight jeans and I ll get some 'people think I am a celebrity' ass. Great... Now to put this to the test... Where is the Club? Which way to the market?? This way? Thanks!